tis the early evening hour the
lobby of the algonquin is all abuzz and festive heavily adorned in dark christmas
velvets poinsettas and a frosted green tree that greets the guest arriving from
the still unusually autumnal conditions of the season outside that winks at him
suggestively tugs a little at his jacket just a little of the cloth caught
gently between thumb and forefinger
that pulls on his scarf as if to invite to participate in the forbidden
dance
that tickles his nostrils with
wisps of expiring evergreen ever so slightly stirred not shaken with the
edgingly crisp whirls of outside that snuck in behind him teasing him with
faint promises that perhaps the weather will turn by the time the baby jesus
that bastard offspring of that
whoring jewish mother who was only to grow up and inspire multitudes to kill in
His
name
is dropped down the chimney to wish
merry christmas to all and to all a good night
this tree who grasps at her throat
as she slowly dies of thirst sitting tall and wide in the midst of the lobby
adorned glittering with fringe silver and red like an enslaved ukrainian
transvestite transsexual whore in a nashville cathouse a shemale lovely no
crying game here she with her colorful glassy balls large bovine balls sparkling
twinkling winking at all the others mostly tourists turtle necked tourists
tucked into uggs and fleece flashing holiday gold from ear and throat and wrist
occasionally a nose if younger but rarely a lip these touristas they’re up
visiting maybe from carolina maybe from maybe east tennessee difficult to tell
the upper class southerner these days they do tend to fall back on that commonly
practiced and cable televised genteel yet a little over the top pretend version
of snuffy smith’s squidbilly english
the margins honed to a soft and
rounded edge
weathered appalachian stones atop
the mountain
oh bless their little hearts
they now all sound alike
a chorus of cane syrup flowing down
the naked rivulets of good living
they’re all burdened with bags from
bergdorf’s and barney’s and saks and some of those cute little shops down off
canal and this guy
our guy
eddie
he watches as they struggle to snuggle
into the elevator that was constructed installed first turned on back when
jesus was in junior high chatting with the rabbis and questioning their path wiggle
into the elevator that was designed for four sans luggage they giggle loving to
complain about the shortcomings of this yankee excuse of a metropolis oh the
crowds the expense the small rooms that won’t allow george to even get around
the bed to the bathroom without moving the suitcase lift it up onto the desk
which is already cluttered with wires and adapters and iphones and ipads and
kindles the wrappers from truffles and assorted other chocolates mined from
filene’s basement of christmas past
and our guy
eddie
he slows his pace and looks around bathes
in the history of miz parkers charnel house where correspondents committed
crimes of creativity over and over and over
aided and abetted by alexanders and
whiskey sours games of words cards and wasted hours
til they themselves bored and their
efforts stillborn became the characters in their own works
trapped
here in all its glory
eddie he enjoins himself to their
lingering spirits both ethereal and liquid that haunt this den of literary
yesteryear these ghosts who sit at the knightly writers roundtable revel and
rejoice redux with those with others who prefer to
scribble and scrawl
dribble and drawl
riddle and brawl
leaving behind faint totoros of
dust and old age swirling whirling about around tickling the olfactory heckling
the matter of fact’ries
his drink eddie’s drink it waits
for him back in the lounge
and he crosses the lobby all
frogger between table and chairs tourists in pairs
crosses from restroom to barroom where
his drink awaits him on the now blue sparkly tres hip buffet du hooch not quite
the maple bar of days past but tis a port in this storm of xmas-tide
his drink waits before his beloved
barstool upon which ascends climbs high into the saddle again giddyup hi-ho as
he studies his surroundings
the scenery it has changed les
patrons they shuffled like a game of fifty-two card pickup since he
our guy
eddie
who maybe only five ten minutes
before faced his adversary the forgetful bartender hotel employee lazily living
on union wages and an ignorance of the savoy bar book
people and parties they come they
go the churn is like the tides coming and going ebbing and flooding moving
along at an ever accelerating rate moving
always moving
like love
sweet delicious love
who is now sitting on his left
a woman oh yes a woman
a woman who looks like she would
pour from her dress like sugar from a silk purse
flowing all sparkly and sweet
she is so obviously by herself elbows
propped up on the bar both hands in front of her
the long bejeweled forefinger of
her right hand slides up and down and across a brightly lit phone icons moving
screens flashing changing in some sort of personal pachinko madness
the same finger of the left hand another
long and lovely digitus extendus naked of glitz but painted purple on the nail
purple and encapsulating a dot of pink
the eye of fatima
circles her glass perched on a stem
tres chic crystal opening up into an art deco perfect butterfly a vampish
vargas girl half full could be a martini the double olive on a spear
plastic and pink
to match the eye
possibly gives it away
and eddie
he simply amazes himself sometimes this
grasp of the obvious
her long brown hair hangs over her face
a veil of mystery her long legs crossed double crossed with the tip of her shoe
hooked back around behind her runner’s her gymnast calf her equally long
stockings tight and terrifically sheer very business-like
and eddie
he thinks perhaps he even says it
out loud the murmur of the room elevated enough to douse random verbal insights
he says hey maybe he even might ever so slightly sing it in that gang of four
sort of way he says
goddamn i love a woman in a uniform
her dark suit white shirt good golly
by god by gum bye-bye she glances over his way eddie’s way as he settles in as
he accidentally nearly almost invades her space with an awkward mount a foot
slipping eddie forgetting the stool was of the lean and prop style without its
own footrest he eddie he catches himself in time with such panache as he can
muster still managing to
wink
and she smiles a simple smile lips
only simply parted eddie he swoons she giggles eddie he pays attention acts
reacts acts reacts jesus jiminy cricket christ it’s like some hot action
happening on a telegraph wire two people doing the dot-dot-dash-dash back and
forth back and forth
eddie he’d like to do the back and
forth right now
right here would be fine maybe this
is getting right down to his gestalt right here maybe his mother was bedridden
when she was pregnant with him he didn’t get enough of that back and forth
movement when he was in utero
and now
eddie now he just craves it that to
and fro up and down back and forth that swing set of schtupp
and she smiles a broader smile and
a light from behind the bar vectoring off the mirror beams in on the silver
tooth not the middle one not one of the ones that always goes first when as a
kid but the one next to it on the right bounces off that tooth leaving a
gleaming trail like it was the silver surfer shredding forth from florida
across the breaking backlit sunlit froth and hits eddie smack in the eye nearly
knocks him off his perch eddie he all giggle giddy inside he says to himself
eddie he says
hey ma i’ve finally met that knockout
you always told me I’d meet
eddie he grins man his mom she sure
would be happy but miz knockout mistakes his heart-exploding reaction with
a sick sense of humor it’s a
hallmark re-enactment of that old joke about the two lonely people at the dance
one with a fake eye one with a fucked up mouth old freddy fake-eye he asks the
ugly chick to dance and she exclaims
oh would i oh would i
and he gets all embarrassed
misunderstands and yells back
well you hairlip you hairlip
and she miz sparkly silver grin she
doesn’t see the humor doesn’t see it that way looks down and with that sort of
fake cough covers her mouth does the barstool spin
and
she’s out of eddie’s life forever
and
eddie he feels he should chase her
explain his feelings beg forgiveness do the knee-drop in front of a cast of
thousands spread his arms wide call her stella scream her name to the
streetlights but he doesn’t this ain’t television this ain't the stage and anyway
what if he what if eddie had read the scene all wrong it could be very
embarrassing not to mention the wear and tear on his suit trousers
alas love is so fleeting
and eddie he is on to new things
it’s not like he cracked some insensitive
joke about silver teeth and althiemers or silver teeth and judas or something
jesus jesus jesus eddie he starts to look heavenward praying for the big guy to
save his sinful soul from these sinful thoughts but
whoa whoa whoa look out johnny look
out
to his right
just over his shoulder
is the-one-the-only-miss-welcome-back-to-the-eighties-cindy-lauper-look-alike
hello love is in the air love is in the hair and yeah it’s the hair it’s got to
be the hair that gets to eddie it’s too just too you know a little too orange
but also too red with streaks of yellow it’s just too too too you know and the
makeup a little too much a bit of mascara dripping down her cheek and the
lipstick too dark too red and the hair tequila sunrise and the dress too tight
too short and the stockings too black with a little run on the inside thigh
pale pale pale
oh that milky white
and
eddie he says in his most
nonchalant manner in his most mannerly manner with a charm that worries his
conscience but not quite his psyche eddie he says
hi can i just say that you in all
your glorious sunrise splendor are making the neighborhood a better place to
live
and without skipping a beat without
a pause not even for dramatic effect he eddie he says
i would like to buy us a round of
drinks in honor of this just-discovered truth
and
she she looks at him at eddie
really looks at him she says eyes bright she says
what do you suggest what sort of
drink would you recommend to toast this auspicious occasion what would you have
grace my lips
and
for eddie well this question it
requires no thought no consideration no sherlockian mulling he knows he really
knows what to say and he says it he says
tequila sunrise of course
to match your hair
and
she smiles that cutesy little smile
that oh you kind of smile and toute de suite she says
oh too sweet n’est-ce pas makes my
lips pucker and i don’t like them to pucker til i’m all good and ready to
pucker
so how about a real drink whiskey
maybe a manhattan very dry very very dry two cherries dangling
and
eddie he waves he beckons with a seasoned
confidence and a hurried yo yo gotta gotta go barkeep attitude
my man we could use no let me say
we need two manhattans
s’il vous plait
and
eddie
he signs the tab to his room ah no
worries the money’s here and there’s always more what does he care he’s going
to call her client and he says leaning over slightly don’t know if it’s the
altitude or the attitude eddie he says
so i’m eddie
and
she says lifting her glass by the
stem in one hand placing the tiny cocktail straw between her ruby reds with the
other taking a timid little draw she says
nice cufflinks kind of cool
and
eddie he says tipping his glass her
way he says glancing down at his wrists and shrugging he says
thanks
and
she says
no really
and
eddie he says
well thanks
and
she says
i’m hallie used to be hallie
silverstein but now i’m thinking of hallie-go-heavy in honor of miz hepburn and
mister capote bless their souls what do you think
and eddie nods his approval with
another lift of the glass and suggests maybe even emphasizes with a studied
glance and a nod he says
well may i say that there is
absolutely nothing heavy about you from where i sit
you
my lovely curvy stick of sugarcane
right of the stocking on christmas morning
you are just as lovely and pert and
sexy and sultry and titillating and teasing
yes teasing
as miz hepburn herself
or hell
anyone else i have ever met
but
and eddie he pauses and then he
says
i can see that the new name most
certainly applies in that metaphysical sense that wrap yourself around the goddess that is
wrapped around you sort of way
and hallie she smiles she looks
away then she looks back and and she smiles and she says looking down only
briefly to stir her drink she smiles at him and says
thanks
and they sip their drinks and they
talk flirty bar talk and they finish their drinks and they talk life talk that
where one comes from where one goes where one belongs sort of chat that bonding
across common data points who what where one likes they manage to avoid television
music food restaurants touristy destinations both classic and new age that
basic shit two bored people fall back upon like falling forward onto a sword
conversational hari kari
no they talk good shit they make
each other laugh they order another drink and another
she touches his arm when making a
point he touches her thigh right where the slit in the stocking stretches and
splits showing skin he reaches up and touches her hair a curl of her hair
moving it out of her face
where it had drunkenly fallen down
across the bridge of her cute little nose more o’grady than silverstein
and then that’s when eddie knows
that’s he’s got to know he’s got to
find out
is it the same sunrise down there
where the sun rises is it red blonde brown or darker does the flower bloom even
if only along a narrow brazilian garden path
and eddie
our guy
eddie he excuses himself for a
moment for another trip back across the lobby to find that portal that
porcelain bowl of relief he asks with a touch of the hand on her wrist
her tattooed wrist
the image of an old timex the one
that that can take a licking and keep on ticking inked around permanently
attached worn brown leather wristband tarnished gold plated case cracked face
eddie
he says
hey will you wait i’d really appreciate
it if you waited
and she says slurring maybe just a
bit that cute little drunken slur that only a beautiful woman can get away with
she says
baby i’m all snow white on this
barstool i ain’t leaving til you come back give me a little kiss
and eddie he stumbles backwards
spins and turns heads back across the lobby he slides into the restroom he
walks up to the urinal in that been practicing for years been doing this all
his life gives it the unzip as he walks across the restroom reaches in pulls out
his flaccid yet getting interested meat leans over and spits as he steps up to
begin relieving himself
the sudden initial burst striking
the porcelain at such an angle at such a velocity that it hums like a tuning
fork
maybe a b flat
the vigor of his stream then
slowing the flow subsiding til the hum fades to a silence broken only by the
drumming drops of the wiggle wiggle shake shake the weight of his schlong
sending heavy spatters against the plastic holding the blue toilet disk
spprrrts spprrrts spprrrts
til there is nothing left but
relief and satisfaction
and he stuffs his cock back into
his pants does a little wiggle zips up and reaches over to flush
when he hears
coming in over his shoulder
like maybe it’s god himself
a sort of a low not barry white low
but white man clark kent low voice from behind it says
hey don’t flush that
and eddie he says he looks over his
shoulder his hand still on the plunger a cop slowly turning around to face the
drug dealer that had snuck up behind him his hand on his weapon not letting go
and he says
say what
and this guy who spoketh as if from
above this guy he stands behind eddie and eddie can’t help but think
oh my god i can’t even smell the
fucking blue disk in the urinal this guy he smells like the full run of the
gauntlet that cuts through the first floor of bloomingdales all rolled into one
tall plug in dispenser that got hit by a short in the wiring and shot its
entire smelly wad into the world through some wild tree climbing monkey orgasm
and this guy mister otherwise
pretty fucking normal princeton haircut blue button down brooks brothers same
place he found his khakis bright blue eyes and sardonic grin this guy he says
yeah i know it’s just sort of well
yeah i know how it might sound how it might seem to be a rather odd request but
well you know it’s just sort of my thing a sort of kink you might say will
probably say but hey do a fella a favor
i just want to piss on top of your
piss i just want to well let my urine flow atop of another’s and hey you just
happen to be here you just happen to be that other come on what do you say
do a fella a favor
and eddie he sort of shrugs he
steps to the side he presents a drunken yet grand sweeping open palm to mister
normal shaking his head and inviting him to be his guest while he scoots out of
the way to give the same hand and its partner a quick rinse a fast wash while
looking over his shoulder to see other shoulders shimmy softly to hear a slight
whimper and moan bounce off the tiles
he turns off the water he shakes
his hands into the sink wipes them on his face then on the back of his trousers
on his way out the restroom
a quick getaway
back to his new found love away
from his new found confusion where sweet and sugary hallie she waits he climbs
back onto his perch begins anew his seduction
his adventure
his indiana jones expedition to the
nether regions below the navel beneath the cotton
because he must know because he has
to know
and as he eddie as he leans over to
whisper into her ear to suggest some slutty sinning he
eddie
he sees mister normal walk in and
take the seat on the other side of hallie beckon to the bartender and order a
tequila sunrise
his tell tale aroma reaching their
respective schnozzolas about the same time as the request for libation and she
hallie
she
as if the aroma is only too
familiar
she turns just as eddie is about to
whisper sweet nothings leaving eddie to suggest sin to spirits and air she
turns only to look and say
oh it’s you
turning back to eddie she says
don’t mind him
and eddie he looks past hallie to
him who gives a twinkle and a grin and a nod of the chin and eddie he looks to
hallie he says
whoa may be tough not to mind he
kind of staked out this little disturbing spot in my head just now gonna be
hard to shake might take a few drinks seems as if this guy he’s quite the
little deviant
and hallie she frowns that drunken pouty
little frown that only a beautiful woman can get away with she says turning
around to the deviant she says
oh jesus joey you pulling that piss
on piss thing again that is getting so old don’t you know i’m really quite
tired of it some fucking bruiser is going to kick your ass some day
and joey our mister deviant he
himself frowns as well and says
oh little sister don’t you worry
none you know i only ask the ones who i know will let me
and joey he turns to his day glo
drink leans over and takes a sip through a tiny straw his cheeks squeeze in as
he withdraws straw between tight lips a cherry suctioned to the end
and all that
