Saturday, February 16, 2013

Algonquin Night, Part One

tis the early evening hour the lobby of the algonquin is all abuzz and festive heavily adorned in dark christmas velvets poinsettas and a frosted green tree that greets the guest arriving from the still unusually autumnal conditions of the season outside that winks at him suggestively tugs a little at his jacket just a little of the cloth caught gently between thumb and forefinger

that pulls on his scarf as if  to invite to participate in the forbidden dance

that tickles his nostrils with wisps of expiring evergreen ever so slightly stirred not shaken with the edgingly crisp whirls of outside that snuck in behind him teasing him with faint promises that perhaps the weather will turn by the time the baby jesus

that bastard offspring of that whoring jewish mother who was only to grow up and inspire multitudes to kill in



is dropped down the chimney to wish merry christmas to all and to all a good night

this tree who grasps at her throat as she slowly dies of thirst sitting tall and wide in the midst of the lobby adorned glittering with fringe silver and red like an enslaved ukrainian transvestite transsexual whore in a nashville cathouse a shemale lovely no crying game here she with her colorful glassy balls large bovine balls sparkling twinkling winking at all the others mostly tourists turtle necked tourists tucked into uggs and fleece flashing holiday gold from ear and throat and wrist occasionally a nose if younger but rarely a lip these touristas they’re up visiting maybe from carolina maybe from maybe east tennessee difficult to tell the upper class southerner these days they do tend to fall back on that commonly practiced and cable televised genteel yet a little over the top pretend version of  snuffy smith’s squidbilly english

the margins honed to a soft and rounded edge
weathered appalachian stones atop the mountain

oh bless their little hearts

they now all sound alike

a chorus of cane syrup flowing down the naked rivulets of good living

they’re all burdened with bags from bergdorf’s and barney’s and saks and some of those cute little shops down off canal and this guy

our guy


he watches as they struggle to snuggle into the elevator that was constructed installed first turned on back when jesus was in junior high chatting with the rabbis and questioning their path wiggle into the elevator that was designed for four sans luggage they giggle loving to complain about the shortcomings of this yankee excuse of a metropolis oh the crowds the expense the small rooms that won’t allow george to even get around the bed to the bathroom without moving the suitcase lift it up onto the desk which is already cluttered with wires and adapters and iphones and ipads and kindles the wrappers from truffles and assorted other chocolates mined from filene’s basement of christmas past

and our guy


he slows his pace and looks around bathes in the history of miz parkers charnel house where correspondents committed crimes of creativity over and over and over

aided and abetted by alexanders and whiskey sours games of words cards and wasted hours

til they themselves bored and their efforts stillborn became the characters in their own works


here in all its glory

eddie he enjoins himself to their lingering spirits both ethereal and liquid that haunt this den of literary yesteryear these ghosts who sit at the knightly writers roundtable revel and rejoice redux with those with others who prefer to

scribble and scrawl
dribble and drawl
riddle and brawl

leaving behind faint totoros of dust and old age swirling whirling about around tickling the olfactory heckling the matter of fact’ries

his drink eddie’s drink it waits for him back in the lounge

and he crosses the lobby all frogger between table and chairs tourists in pairs

crosses from restroom to barroom where his drink awaits him on the now blue sparkly tres hip buffet du hooch not quite the maple bar of days past but tis a port in this storm of xmas-tide

his drink waits before his beloved barstool upon which ascends climbs high into the saddle again giddyup hi-ho as he studies his surroundings

the scenery it has changed les patrons they shuffled like a game of fifty-two card pickup since he

our guy


who maybe only five ten minutes before faced his adversary the forgetful bartender hotel employee lazily living on union wages and an ignorance of the savoy bar book

people and parties they come they go the churn is like the tides coming and going ebbing and flooding moving along at an ever accelerating rate moving

always moving

like love

sweet delicious love

who is now sitting on his left

a woman oh yes a woman

a woman who looks like she would pour from her dress like sugar from a silk purse

flowing all sparkly and sweet

she is so obviously by herself elbows propped up on the bar both hands in front of her

the long bejeweled forefinger of her right hand slides up and down and across a brightly lit phone icons moving screens flashing changing in some sort of personal pachinko madness

the same finger of the left hand another long and lovely digitus extendus naked of glitz but painted purple on the nail purple and encapsulating a dot of pink

the eye of fatima

circles her glass perched on a stem tres chic crystal opening up into an art deco perfect butterfly a vampish vargas girl half full could be a martini the double olive on a spear

plastic and pink

to match the eye

possibly gives it away

and eddie

he simply amazes himself sometimes this grasp of the obvious

her long brown hair hangs over her face a veil of mystery her long legs crossed double crossed with the tip of her shoe hooked back around behind her runner’s her gymnast calf her equally long stockings tight and terrifically sheer very business-like

and eddie

he thinks perhaps he even says it out loud the murmur of the room elevated enough to douse random verbal insights he says hey maybe he even might ever so slightly sing it in that gang of four sort of way he says

goddamn i love a woman in a uniform

her dark suit white shirt good golly by god by gum bye-bye she glances over his way eddie’s way as he settles in as he accidentally nearly almost invades her space with an awkward mount a foot slipping eddie forgetting the stool was of the lean and prop style without its own footrest he eddie he catches himself in time with such panache as he can muster still managing to


and she smiles a simple smile lips only simply parted eddie he swoons she giggles eddie he pays attention acts reacts acts reacts jesus jiminy cricket christ it’s like some hot action happening on a telegraph wire two people doing the dot-dot-dash-dash back and forth back and forth

eddie he’d like to do the back and forth right now

right here would be fine maybe this is getting right down to his gestalt right here maybe his mother was bedridden when she was pregnant with him he didn’t get enough of that back and forth movement when he was in utero

and now

eddie now he just craves it that to and fro up and down back and forth that swing set of schtupp

and she smiles a broader smile and a light from behind the bar vectoring off the mirror beams in on the silver tooth not the middle one not one of the ones that always goes first when as a kid but the one next to it on the right bounces off that tooth leaving a gleaming trail like it was the silver surfer shredding forth from florida across the breaking backlit sunlit froth and hits eddie smack in the eye nearly knocks him off his perch eddie he all giggle giddy inside he says to himself eddie he says

hey ma i’ve finally met that knockout you always told me I’d meet

eddie he grins man his mom she sure would be happy but miz knockout mistakes his heart-exploding reaction with

a sick sense of humor it’s a hallmark re-enactment of that old joke about the two lonely people at the dance one with a fake eye one with a fucked up mouth old freddy fake-eye he asks the ugly chick to dance and she exclaims

oh would i oh would i

and he gets all embarrassed misunderstands and yells back

well you hairlip you hairlip

and she miz sparkly silver grin she doesn’t see the humor doesn’t see it that way looks down and with that sort of fake cough covers her mouth does the barstool spin


she’s out of eddie’s life forever


eddie he feels he should chase her explain his feelings beg forgiveness do the knee-drop in front of a cast of thousands spread his arms wide call her stella scream her name to the streetlights but he doesn’t this ain’t television this ain't the stage and anyway what if he what if eddie had read the scene all wrong it could be very embarrassing not to mention the wear and tear on his suit trousers

alas love is so fleeting

and eddie he is on to new things

it’s not like he cracked some insensitive joke about silver teeth and althiemers or silver teeth and judas or something jesus jesus jesus eddie he starts to look heavenward praying for the big guy to save his sinful soul from these sinful thoughts but

whoa whoa whoa look out johnny look out

to his right

just over his shoulder

is the-one-the-only-miss-welcome-back-to-the-eighties-cindy-lauper-look-alike hello love is in the air love is in the hair and yeah it’s the hair it’s got to be the hair that gets to eddie it’s too just too you know a little too orange but also too red with streaks of yellow it’s just too too too you know and the makeup a little too much a bit of mascara dripping down her cheek and the lipstick too dark too red and the hair tequila sunrise and the dress too tight too short and the stockings too black with a little run on the inside thigh pale pale pale

oh that milky white


eddie he says in his most nonchalant manner in his most mannerly manner with a charm that worries his conscience but not quite his psyche eddie he says

hi can i just say that you in all your glorious sunrise splendor are making the neighborhood a better place to live

and without skipping a beat without a pause not even for dramatic effect he eddie he says

i would like to buy us a round of drinks in honor of this just-discovered truth


she she looks at him at eddie really looks at him she says eyes bright she says

what do you suggest what sort of drink would you recommend to toast this auspicious occasion what would you have grace my lips


for eddie well this question it requires no thought no consideration no sherlockian mulling he knows he really knows what to say and he says it he says

tequila sunrise of course

to match your hair


she smiles that cutesy little smile that oh you kind of smile and toute de suite she says

oh too sweet n’est-ce pas makes my lips pucker and i don’t like them to pucker til i’m all good and ready to pucker

so how about a real drink whiskey maybe a manhattan very dry very very dry two cherries dangling


eddie he waves he beckons with a seasoned confidence and a hurried yo yo gotta gotta go barkeep attitude

my man we could use no let me say we need two manhattans

s’il vous plait



he signs the tab to his room ah no worries the money’s here and there’s always more what does he care he’s going to call her client and he says leaning over slightly don’t know if it’s the altitude or the attitude eddie he says

so i’m eddie


she says lifting her glass by the stem in one hand placing the tiny cocktail straw between her ruby reds with the other taking a timid little draw she says

nice cufflinks kind of cool


eddie he says tipping his glass her way he says glancing down at his wrists and shrugging he says



she says

no really


eddie he says

well thanks


she says

i’m hallie used to be hallie silverstein but now i’m thinking of hallie-go-heavy in honor of miz hepburn and mister capote bless their souls what do you think

and eddie nods his approval with another lift of the glass and suggests maybe even emphasizes with a studied glance and a nod he says

well may i say that there is absolutely nothing heavy about you from where i sit


my lovely curvy stick of sugarcane right of the stocking on christmas morning

you are just as lovely and pert and sexy and sultry and titillating and teasing

yes teasing

as miz hepburn herself

or hell

anyone else i have ever met


and eddie he pauses and then he says

i can see that the new name most certainly applies in that metaphysical sense  that wrap yourself around the goddess that is wrapped around you sort of way

and hallie she smiles she looks away then she looks back and and she smiles and she says looking down only briefly to stir her drink she smiles at him and says


and they sip their drinks and they talk flirty bar talk and they finish their drinks and they talk life talk that where one comes from where one goes where one belongs sort of chat that bonding across common data points who what where one likes they manage to avoid television music food restaurants touristy destinations both classic and new age that basic shit two bored people fall back upon like falling forward onto a sword

conversational hari kari

no they talk good shit they make each other laugh they order another drink and another

she touches his arm when making a point he touches her thigh right where the slit in the stocking stretches and splits showing skin he reaches up and touches her hair a curl of her hair moving it out of her face

where it had drunkenly fallen down across the bridge of her cute little nose more o’grady than silverstein

and then that’s when eddie knows

that’s he’s got to know he’s got to find out

is it the same sunrise down there where the sun rises is it red blonde brown or darker does the flower bloom even if only along a narrow brazilian garden path

and eddie

our guy

eddie he excuses himself for a moment for another trip back across the lobby to find that portal that porcelain bowl of relief he asks with a touch of the hand on her wrist

her tattooed wrist

the image of an old timex the one that that can take a licking and keep on ticking inked around permanently attached worn brown leather wristband tarnished gold plated case cracked face


he says

hey will you wait i’d really appreciate it if you waited

and she says slurring maybe just a bit that cute little drunken slur that only a beautiful woman can get away with she says

baby i’m all snow white on this barstool i ain’t leaving til you come back give me a little kiss

and eddie he stumbles backwards spins and turns heads back across the lobby he slides into the restroom he walks up to the urinal in that been practicing for years been doing this all his life gives it the unzip as he walks across the restroom reaches in pulls out his flaccid yet getting interested meat leans over and spits as he steps up to begin relieving himself

the sudden initial burst striking the porcelain at such an angle at such a velocity that it hums like a tuning fork

maybe a b flat

the vigor of his stream then slowing the flow subsiding til the hum fades to a silence broken only by the drumming drops of the wiggle wiggle shake shake the weight of his schlong sending heavy spatters against the plastic holding the blue toilet disk

spprrrts spprrrts spprrrts

til there is nothing left but relief and satisfaction

and he stuffs his cock back into his pants does a little wiggle zips up and reaches over to flush

when he hears

coming in over his shoulder

like maybe it’s god himself

a sort of a low not barry white low but white man clark kent low voice from behind it says

hey don’t flush that

and eddie he says he looks over his shoulder his hand still on the plunger a cop slowly turning around to face the drug dealer that had snuck up behind him his hand on his weapon not letting go and he says

say what

and this guy who spoketh as if from above this guy he stands behind eddie and eddie can’t help but think

oh my god i can’t even smell the fucking blue disk in the urinal this guy he smells like the full run of the gauntlet that cuts through the first floor of bloomingdales all rolled into one tall plug in dispenser that got hit by a short in the wiring and shot its entire smelly wad into the world through some wild tree climbing monkey orgasm

and this guy mister otherwise pretty fucking normal princeton haircut blue button down brooks brothers same place he found his khakis bright blue eyes and sardonic grin this guy he says

yeah i know it’s just sort of well yeah i know how it might sound how it might seem to be a rather odd request but well you know it’s just sort of my thing a sort of kink you might say will probably say but hey do a fella a favor

i just want to piss on top of your piss i just want to well let my urine flow atop of another’s and hey you just happen to be here you just happen to be that other come on what do you say

do a fella a favor

and eddie he sort of shrugs he steps to the side he presents a drunken yet grand sweeping open palm to mister normal shaking his head and inviting him to be his guest while he scoots out of the way to give the same hand and its partner a quick rinse a fast wash while looking over his shoulder to see other shoulders shimmy softly to hear a slight whimper and moan bounce off the tiles

he turns off the water he shakes his hands into the sink wipes them on his face then on the back of his trousers on his way out the restroom

a quick getaway

back to his new found love away from his new found confusion where sweet and sugary hallie she waits he climbs back onto his perch begins anew his seduction

his adventure

his indiana jones expedition to the nether regions below the navel beneath the cotton

because he must know because he has to know

and as he eddie as he leans over to whisper into her ear to suggest some slutty sinning he


he sees mister normal walk in and take the seat on the other side of hallie beckon to the bartender and order a

tequila sunrise

his tell tale aroma reaching their respective schnozzolas about the same time as the request for libation and she



as if the aroma is only too familiar

she turns just as eddie is about to whisper sweet nothings leaving eddie to suggest sin to spirits and air she turns only to look and say

oh it’s you

turning back to eddie she says

don’t mind him

and eddie he looks past hallie to him who gives a twinkle and a grin and a nod of the chin and eddie he looks to hallie he says

whoa may be tough not to mind he kind of staked out this little disturbing spot in my head just now gonna be hard to shake might take a few drinks seems as if this guy he’s quite the little deviant

and hallie she frowns that drunken pouty little frown that only a beautiful woman can get away with she says turning around to the deviant she says

oh jesus joey you pulling that piss on piss thing again that is getting so old don’t you know i’m really quite tired of it some fucking bruiser is going to kick your ass some day

and joey our mister deviant he himself frowns as well and says

oh little sister don’t you worry none you know i only ask the ones who i know will let me

and joey he turns to his day glo drink leans over and takes a sip through a tiny straw his cheeks squeeze in as he withdraws straw between tight lips a cherry suctioned to the end

and all that


sordar joy said...

This article is very helpful! I never rinse my floors after washing them. Now I now that I really should be! I'l get to mopping lickety split:)
Split face Tile

roachella marquez said...

The way I've always heard it it was Ol' wood eye and peg leg. I love your work!