Affirmation of Faith

i believe i believe i do believe yes i do

i believe in god the father almighty the creator of heaven and earth and in jesus christ his only son our lord credo in deum patrem omnipotentem creatorem coeli et terrae et in jesum christum filium ejus unicum dominum nostrum

dig

i believe in the father the son the holy ghost i believe in purple haze blotter acid peyote mushrooms and elle esse dee created by the hand of man himself i believe in moses mohammad buddha vishnu i believe in the blessings of her sacred goodness the kind green bud kay gee bee i believe in the power of love i believe in family i believe in the ultimate goodness in mankind i believe that

evil exists

in all of us

i believe in the holy act of fucking i believe grabbing a handful of hair of the willing and bringing her down onto my phallic being for sacred consumption i believe in the holy act of wiping my ass i believe in jacking off with wondrous abandon i believe in picking belly button lint out of my fucking belly button while i contemplate world peace while i contemplate when i might next jack off yet again i believe in coughing up a big loogie spitting it into the gutter and continuing on my way i believe that

love lasts

until you don't want it to last anymore and then it

lingers

come on baby move closer to me look into my eyes tell me what you believe

tell me how you feel tell me tell me i believe that i don't do enough to end the misery that permeates the world i believe that i eat more than my fair share i believe that i don't recycle enough i believe that i drive my car too much i believe that i maybe i shouldn't wear leather maybe i shouldn't eat meat i believe that i shouldn't have used chlorine in my hot tub i believe that i could have given the fucker on the corner a dollar without blinking an eye i believe i believe as edmund burke said that all that is necessary for evil to succeed is for good men to do

nothing

and i fucking believe in nothing i believe in everything i believe in my being confused about what to believe

my momma she taught me one thing my daddy he taught me another thing my cousins they taught me some things that haunt me to this day the church of my youth hell we went through so many young idealistic preachers i kind of forget what they taught me one of them let me listen to jesus christ superstar on his hi fi when he had some of us methodist youth fellows over for dinner one of them the young idealistic preachers one of them ranted against nixon in nineteen and seventy-two the autumn of that year to be precise said that nixon was evil and all who voted for him was evil he wasn't our preacher in nineteen and seventy-three i grew to believe that the church elders didn't really believe what

they told me

to believe and now many years later people who believed what the elders said but didn't believe i believe that they no longer believe but they are now the church elders not believing what they tell their youth

my teachers they taught me to believe in the flag and all that she represents i pledge allegiance to this fucking piece of cloth sewn by some old white woman for which it stands one fucking nation of crazy fucking people who could give a flying fuck about anyone else liberty and justice for everyone except those that don't fucking deserve it hey woman whip me up some broad cloth make it kind of colorful whip me up something that i can wave around something that the boys will lay down and die for

my teachers taught me

to believe in the innate goodness of these united states of america they taught me to believe that once old king george was not a jolly old soul not a jolly old soul was he and all of the fucking limey redcoat motherfuckers were evil incarnate but later through the triumph of redemption and the miracle of forgetting the past these chaps they ain't so bad now i mean they are white and speak english well most of them do

i believe the wiccan rede bide the witch's law ye must in perfect love in perfect trust eight words the wiccan rede fulfill and ye harm none do what ye will what ye send forth comes back to thee so ever mind the rule of three yeah yeah when oh when will the werewolves of london be smote with the

silver bullet

or three when oh when will the devils of new york be brought before god to testify when will they be dragged through the streets down broadway and up the effe dee are behind the chariot of apollo

close your eyes and count to three

one

two

three

when will she bring me up on charges of not giving a shit when will she drive the nails through my palms my ankles my hips when will that goddamn bitch go ahead and get it over with when will this cunt of a goddess stop squatting over us all pissing her beliefs pissing all over my beliefs

i know i know i know it's all in god's plan who was conceived of the holy spirit born of the virgin mary suffered under pontius pilate was crucified died and was buried and

then the sun went away and the dogwood tree became what we know it to be today and lightening struck and it struck and it struck and it struck goddamn it still strikes today the lightening struck when the europeans fucked up the new world when the europeans fucked up africa when turks slaughtered the armenians when the germans and the brits and the french kicked the shit out of each other when the japanese slaughtered the chinese when the germans slaughtered the jews the gays the gypsies when the americans dropped fire on the germans when they dropped hell itself on the japanese when the jews ran the arabs out of jerusalem when the chinese fucked up the koreans when the chinese fucked up the tibetans when the americans helped the cambodians fuck themselves up when the world stood by and watched the bosnians rwandans pick one pick any of them watched them fuck themselves up when the arabs fucked their women up when they continue to fuck themselves up when the americans fucked up central america when the russians fucked the chechens and everybody else they met oh yes it do

lightening strikes

all around us while we play our respective fiddles play that funky fiddle white boy yellow boy brown boy black boy don't make me cry and get all rodney king on you poor fucks but i believe i believe i believe that surely somehow

why can't we just all get along

all in god's plan he descended into hell the third day he arose again from the dead he ascended into heaven he sits at the right hand of god the father almighty

whence he shall come to judge the living and the dead

yeah i believe i believe that i will be judged i will be judged but not by you motherfucker i will not find twelve men who will be my peers i will not find twelve angry jurors that will hesitate to place my sorry neck into the noose i will not

believe in the holy spirit the holy catholic church the communion of saints the forgiveness of sins the resurrection of the body and life everlasting i will not no i will not believe in anything except the bloodied bodies that i see on the television screen i will believe in anything that larry king says is righteous i will believe in oprah and her orphans i will believe that anna nicole smith has righteous drunken tits that deserve not my lips but my teeth i will believe that the only desperate housewife is the one who has not tasted my cock i will believe anything that charles kuralt tells me about the holy down home sanctity of homespun americana

i believe i believe oh lawdy i do believe i do

well shit amen

affirmation of faith and all that