Friday, December 15, 2006


ah london yeah i know i wasn't supposed to be here but got royally fucked by united was stuck in chicago missed my flight to amsterdam missed my flight to frankfurt booked on a flight to london yeah go figure deja vu all over again getting into amsterdam twelve hours later than originally scheduled i've tried to be a nice guy to all the united people here and they are really nice which makes it all the more frustrating oh kay you lady yeah you were a fucking twat perhaps it was my obvious irritability i was am remain a target just push my button baby i mean but it would be so much easier if they were assholes here then i could just let loose on a tirade you know a little catharsis but, noooooo they have to be all nice and apologetic and offering up of gifts and pleasantries they should hire people that they know are short termers just so people like me can just let loose on them maybe import prisoners from the local county lock up don't you know not any of those violent offenders maybe random litterers and moving traffic violators even drunk drivers you know so we troubled fliers could just go postal verbally of course get it all out of our system so we are calm and rested when we get on the plane stella says i should be more zen about it just go with the flow better for my chi she's probably right but where's the fun in serenity so yeah flew through chicago supposed to connect to amsterdam missed that changed to frankfurt missed that ended up here at heathrow maybe maybe i'll get to amsterdam in the next few hours oh what the fuck i'm sitting in the business class lounge having already been through a security check in san francisco where the supposed two hours before my flight ended up taking only fifteen minutes from point of joshua letting me off at the curb to getting to the red carpet club through a security check in chicago because we were coming to london and now already two security checks here in london with one more to go not to mention passport control in amsterdam which is usually a breeze bordering on a joke unfortunately no one has asked to slide their hands or parts thereof into any of my body cavities although there was this cutie in chicago for whom i just might oh kay absolutely would have at even the slightest hint the smallest of suggestions have bent over the table alas it was not to be i remain a security check body cavity check virgin ah now where should i put this hashish shall i dare use this place where lightening has yet to strike where fingers have yet to probe what is it about the british and their dental issues i predict with the current state of you ess health care us americans will have this gap toothed resemblance to our british brethren that is if we survive the bush er cheney dynasty goddamn it's depressing is it not we suffer from global bin ladenism there is no difference i can't tell apart bin laden bush cheney hezbollah or as they say here hizbollah hamas the nut in iran the nut in korea the nuts in dee cee assad in syria the entire fucking israeli cabinet the spirit of sharon arises from his vegetable state i mean fuck the chinese they live by the simple rule that there is money to be made when blood flows through the streets when blood flows there is money to be made the oil companies provide ample evidence to this maxim i hear that there is a new network of americans in canada these days leftover vietnam war draft evaders conscientious objectors quakers hippies whoever whatever helping you ess soldiers desert get the hell out of dodge the canadians don't know what to do with them yet they don't automatically send them send us back i think it my new duty to whisper suggest outright insist to every armed service member who happens to sit next to me on the plane on the bus at the cafe stand next to me in line at peets coffee hangs at the beach walks through the park suggest to each and every one of them that they should consider getting their asses off to canada hell i'll pay for the bus ticket c'mon soldier let's walk on down to greyhoud we'll get you some civvies we'll get you a hat we'll get you a tee shirt printed red with a maple leaf we'll knock out a couple of your front teeth you fucking hockey stud you i think it my duty get thee to a nunnery get thee to canada hey i got something nice to say about canadians go fucking figure maybe we can send a few deserters up there inject them with a little color a little excitement maybe the place wouldn't be so fucking boring and pasty white although i do admit the allure of a fine canadian coed callipygian cleft with perhaps just the smattering of a tan line left over from a wintery jaunt to cuba or shudder jeb's florida yes i do admit that this allure could be quite tempting i might have to join up and desert just so i can appeal to perhaps the granola version of said canadian coed as beck croons in the year of the chimpanzee i am a monkey i got your canadian monkey love all over and about yeah i think it would be great art to have a massive fucking train straddling the you ess canadian border you know an american fucking a canadian fucking an american fucking a canadian fucking an american and so forth all along the border from washington to maine the great lakes might be a challenge but we could get boats big barges we might need a lot of mattresses nothing worse than dropping trou for a little carnal pleasure only to have one's buttocks gnawed upon by black flies mosquitos chiggers leeches pissants meaningless politicians not to mention that a bed of pine straw can take one only so far don't you know remember chiggers goddamn goddamn my aunt louise she used to give us a jug of clorox and a sponge said dab it on only way to get rid of them chiggers yeah yeah but but what if said bloody chigger has embedded itself on the tip of one's cock dab a little clorox on old john henry tell me if it don't just make you want to jiggle wiggle and dance might as well push me off a rocky ledge yeah sitting here in the bee em eye lounge here at heathrow maybe it's the three hours of sleep maybe it's the persistent pain in my shoulder not to be confused with pain in my ass although this pain in the shoulder has become such a pain in the ass goodbye pluto hello xena and all that

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